Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A final word…

There have been a few times in my life when I have stepped away from public journaling. Certain things in my life have forced me into changing how I think, feel, and express the life around me. This is one such time. I have decided that after publically expressing my life that it is time for me to step away from all of this. Truth be told, my emotions really only matter to me and at this point I don’t feel it necessary to share those emotions with anyone else. I feel that for far too long I have opened myself to being vulnerable and truthful. There are those that appreciate those truths and there are those who choose to use them for their own advantage.

This will end my journaling for now. I may decide that future events will require my attention but for now this will be my final post. With that I would like to post one last glimpse into who I have become. This is the most vulnerable I can be at this moment.

I’m not upset with anyone other than myself.



There has recently been some debate over whether or not this life is worth living. The end of things always brings the beginning of new things. And with those new things come decisions on how to react to those new things. Some would love nothing more than to live in the past. Their clothing, hair, and music choices speak volumes. Others fear their pasts wanting nothing more than to run away, running as if they were being chased by a three headed monster. They will stop at nothing to push others out of the way or trip up others hoping their beast will devourer their companion instead. Then there are those who look forward and think they can plan their future. They can see the light at the end of tunnel yet think it sheds light on something they cannot truly see.

I have for too long have been devoured by beasts from the past. I also have thought I saw light coming from the end of a tunnel. Both have brought me to realize that I truly know less about my existence than anyone. I know there are plenty of minds out there brighter than mine that can explain it in words bigger than mine. But when it comes to the things of life, I know nothing.

These thoughts turn in my stomach and keep me awake early into the morning hours. I lie in bed asking God why, and still I wait for His answers. This goes much deeper than “why am I here”, a question which seems to me so far from what people really want to know. Do people really care why they are here…or are they really asking “how do I respond to the problems and actions of those I consider in my circle”. I purposely didn’t use the word friend here because I know that there are people who surround me that I wouldn’t consider a friend. A friend is someone who you would lay your life down for someone that you would give anything to protect.

Each day I live my life with the wondering if what God is doing in my life has a higher purpose. Meaning that what if this is all that God has planned for me? What if this is the end of what God has for my life? I don’t mean does God just walk away from me and my concerns but what if this is it. What if God is placing me on the back burner because he is finished with me? I guess in that I would have to believe that I was even on the front burner to begin with.

There are three things which I do know. That God loves me. That I cannot deny. I also know that God has a plan for me. This I have seen throughout my life. I also know that beyond all that is yelling in my ear God may not be done with me, this as much as I want to deny but cannot. While I’m here I must wait and be ready for I cannot be sure but there is a chance that God will need me. I will try not to be deceived by the light at the end of the tunnel again, nor will I allow myself to be thrown to any three headed beasts.

Thanks for reading this far. May the peace that I have found in Christ guide you and direct you each day. James 4:10

Monday, October 11, 2010

Do You Remember… (Contest!!)

…when music was good? Do you remember when bands wrote their own lyrics and actually worked their butts off to put music out? With such pop disasters out their it seems like music is no longer an art form. I can remember cruising the streets of Reading with the sound of The Get Up Kids and Saves the Day resonating from the speakers of my Firebird.

Unfortunately, those days are long gone, but the music still remains. Both of the aforementioned bands have gone through their share of changes and honestly just aren’t the same.

Thankfully, there is a new band (which I’m listening to as I write this) who brings back those memories of a time when music had meaning.

Eyes On Me is just the band to fill that need your musical soul has been craving. Hailing from Lynchburg Virginia, Eyes On Me has just released an EP titled My Best Idea. On it you will find five tracks that make you remember why you love pop punk, but without the need to feel bad about yourself for loving it. As you go through each track you are taken on a lyrically emotional journey which ends with the amazingly honest track “When In Rome”. I almost feel inadequate using my own words to describe this EP but I can say  it definitely gets my approval!

Eyes On Me is a band that you need to keep track of and support!

You can follow them on Facebook and purchase their EP My Best Idea here.

Bonus to all who read this! If you can answer this trivia question I will send you a copy of the EP for free!

Here is your question.

Since it is Sunday and I’m watching football, when I played football, what was the number I wore on my jersey? If you don’t know I will accept guesses and if you guess right you’ll still win!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

What would you ask God?

Last night at LCBC City we talked with the students about how God is still speaking to us. The problem is we can’t always hear Him. The question was asked if you could ask God anything what would you ask him? Here were some of the questions that we got:

Why aren’t certain things spelled out more in the Bible?

Did you (God) really write the Bible?

Why do you allow bad things to happen?

We had other questions but they escape me at the moment. But my question, to those of you who read this, is what would you ask God? What is going on in your life that you feel is in need of explanation?


Monday, October 4, 2010

I used to remember…



…when life made sense.

Yeah, I know. Life isn’t fair. Some of us even think that we aren’t truly living life if we aren’t sharing in the unexpected little adventures life throws us. Wow…such bull crap! I honesty could use a little less adventure. A little less teenage drama could do the world some good. Man, for crying out loud I’m 28 years old. One would think that life would start to settle down by now. Ya know, settling into the better things life has to offer. Now I know, you are going to say, “we shouldn’t love the world in fact we should be trying our hardest to fight the pleasures of this world”. Well, voice of a person I just made up, you are right! I’m not trying to get super philosophical here I’m just stating a mere opinion.

I’m rather upset with how things have turned out the past couple of weeks and I frankly am sick of keeping them bottled up. Seriously, I’m upset. But I honestly don’t really think it matters.

I mean honestly why the heck am I awake at 2am?! Why is it this way every night for the past week? Why am I really even typing this when the person who needs to hear this wont. And what would it even change if she did? Honestly. Part of me doesn’t even want this posted.

The other part of me just wants things to be right. For love to matter. For someone other than me to give till there is nothing left to give. I don’t know if love is supposed to be easy. I’m finding it hard to even know what love is. But my God, why is this here. This pit in my stomach.

Why does it feel as if my words disappear like a puff of smoke into the night air never to reach the ears of the one who needs to hear it? My best friend…where are you?

I honestly don’t want to feel this way. I can only fake so many smiles and pretend like everything is ok. If you are reading this then you probably are a friend of mine and know me fairly well. Let this be an insight to who I really am. Take this as an invitation to understanding what I’m about.

I’m not perfect, I’m not always going to have the answers. But I can tell you that putting all your cards on the table and showing everyone your hand is worth it in the end. Even it doesn’t turn out the way you thought it should.