Monday, October 4, 2010

I used to remember…



…when life made sense.

Yeah, I know. Life isn’t fair. Some of us even think that we aren’t truly living life if we aren’t sharing in the unexpected little adventures life throws us. Wow…such bull crap! I honesty could use a little less adventure. A little less teenage drama could do the world some good. Man, for crying out loud I’m 28 years old. One would think that life would start to settle down by now. Ya know, settling into the better things life has to offer. Now I know, you are going to say, “we shouldn’t love the world in fact we should be trying our hardest to fight the pleasures of this world”. Well, voice of a person I just made up, you are right! I’m not trying to get super philosophical here I’m just stating a mere opinion.

I’m rather upset with how things have turned out the past couple of weeks and I frankly am sick of keeping them bottled up. Seriously, I’m upset. But I honestly don’t really think it matters.

I mean honestly why the heck am I awake at 2am?! Why is it this way every night for the past week? Why am I really even typing this when the person who needs to hear this wont. And what would it even change if she did? Honestly. Part of me doesn’t even want this posted.

The other part of me just wants things to be right. For love to matter. For someone other than me to give till there is nothing left to give. I don’t know if love is supposed to be easy. I’m finding it hard to even know what love is. But my God, why is this here. This pit in my stomach.

Why does it feel as if my words disappear like a puff of smoke into the night air never to reach the ears of the one who needs to hear it? My best friend…where are you?

I honestly don’t want to feel this way. I can only fake so many smiles and pretend like everything is ok. If you are reading this then you probably are a friend of mine and know me fairly well. Let this be an insight to who I really am. Take this as an invitation to understanding what I’m about.

I’m not perfect, I’m not always going to have the answers. But I can tell you that putting all your cards on the table and showing everyone your hand is worth it in the end. Even it doesn’t turn out the way you thought it should.



Bekah said...

Brother...the Lord hears your cries...He knows...He understands, and he is near. Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, and Be still and know that He is God. Praying for God's peace for you tonight.

rickymccarl said...


I think many of us can relate to how you are feeling at this time of great sorrow in your life. You have described things that I myself have felt at certain times in my life. My advice to you now is to keep your mind open to what God is doing in and through this situation. Rest in the fact that God has a purpose for all of this and a plan for you. That may or may not include what you want for your own life.

I think back to all of the times that you were there when I needed you and I just wanted to say that I thank you for that. You are a good friend and if you need anything do not hesitate to call Pastor Ricky and we will talk.

Peace be with you brother

Higgins said...

Thank you for the encouragement guys. This was one of those posts that I write but don't acctually post...looks like I forgot the last part!