There have been a few times in my life when I have stepped away from public journaling. Certain things in my life have forced me into changing how I think, feel, and express the life around me. This is one such time. I have decided that after publically expressing my life that it is time for me to step away from all of this. Truth be told, my emotions really only matter to me and at this point I don’t feel it necessary to share those emotions with anyone else. I feel that for far too long I have opened myself to being vulnerable and truthful. There are those that appreciate those truths and there are those who choose to use them for their own advantage.
This will end my journaling for now. I may decide that future events will require my attention but for now this will be my final post. With that I would like to post one last glimpse into who I have become. This is the most vulnerable I can be at this moment.
I’m not upset with anyone other than myself.
There has recently been some debate over whether or not this life is worth living. The end of things always brings the beginning of new things. And with those new things come decisions on how to react to those new things. Some would love nothing more than to live in the past. Their clothing, hair, and music choices speak volumes. Others fear their pasts wanting nothing more than to run away, running as if they were being chased by a three headed monster. They will stop at nothing to push others out of the way or trip up others hoping their beast will devourer their companion instead. Then there are those who look forward and think they can plan their future. They can see the light at the end of tunnel yet think it sheds light on something they cannot truly see.
I have for too long have been devoured by beasts from the past. I also have thought I saw light coming from the end of a tunnel. Both have brought me to realize that I truly know less about my existence than anyone. I know there are plenty of minds out there brighter than mine that can explain it in words bigger than mine. But when it comes to the things of life, I know nothing.
These thoughts turn in my stomach and keep me awake early into the morning hours. I lie in bed asking God why, and still I wait for His answers. This goes much deeper than “why am I here”, a question which seems to me so far from what people really want to know. Do people really care why they are here…or are they really asking “how do I respond to the problems and actions of those I consider in my circle”. I purposely didn’t use the word friend here because I know that there are people who surround me that I wouldn’t consider a friend. A friend is someone who you would lay your life down for someone that you would give anything to protect.
Each day I live my life with the wondering if what God is doing in my life has a higher purpose. Meaning that what if this is all that God has planned for me? What if this is the end of what God has for my life? I don’t mean does God just walk away from me and my concerns but what if this is it. What if God is placing me on the back burner because he is finished with me? I guess in that I would have to believe that I was even on the front burner to begin with.
There are three things which I do know. That God loves me. That I cannot deny. I also know that God has a plan for me. This I have seen throughout my life. I also know that beyond all that is yelling in my ear God may not be done with me, this as much as I want to deny but cannot. While I’m here I must wait and be ready for I cannot be sure but there is a chance that God will need me. I will try not to be deceived by the light at the end of the tunnel again, nor will I allow myself to be thrown to any three headed beasts.
Thanks for reading this far. May the peace that I have found in Christ guide you and direct you each day. James 4:10